trust

Since last week’s scare with a breast lump and now bearing witness to a friend bravely going through an even scarier ordeal with having a lump removed, I’ve been thinking a lot about trust.

We talk about putting our trust into other people, putting our trust into situations, putting our trust into spirit or the universe. We drive around in cars just inches away from other cars on the highway at outrageous speeds, trusting that we won’t crash into one another. We sit in pitch-black movie theaters, trusting that no one is stealing our wallets. We go to fancy stores, trusting that the quality of what we’re buying will be better than what we’d get at the less fancy ones. We elect people to our government, trusting that they’re looking out for our best interests.

There are times when we believe that our trust has been broken…. We might be betrayed by a loved one. We may be infringed upon by a stranger. We might get a flat tire, or it may snow in August. We might botch up a painting, burn a lasagna, or screw up a business. We may discover we have cancer.

Yeah, shit happens. All.the.time. ‘Tis the nature of this slice of time we call life.

We simply can’t be guaranteed that everything will work out exactly as we want them to. There is no doubt that we will have moments of suffering… big and little, and everything in between.

But I’m realizing that trust is a choice.  It’s an intrinsic force that lives within us and can keep us afloat– but only if we allow it to. When we convince ourselves that our trust has been broken, many times it’s really about getting so worn thin that we let our trust fall by the wayside and give up on ourselves (of course, it’s easier to blame it on someone else, isn’t it?). In hugely traumatic circumstances, that can be a necessary protective measure… but in life, where people dance in and out, and change is the only constant, giving into those stories does not serve us.  Giving in only belittles the opportunity we each have to live with wide open hearts, to engage with life deeply and  passionately, even when it might feel risky and uncertain.

We can’t decide what happens to us. But we can decide what happens within us.

The alternative is living alone with bars on the windows, doing nothing but sipping coffee and watching Seinfeld reruns.  Never ever experiencing love or adventure or spontaneity.  Never knowing what we’re capable of. Avoidance.  Always asking… what if?

To me, that doesn’t sound very juicy.

So today I choose to walk with my heart open, raw, messy.  I choose to look into the eyes of passers-by instead of at the ground.  I choose to say yes to chances that give me butterflies from excitement and perhaps a hint of fear.   I choose to invest in new friendships.  I choose to love without holding back.  I choose to feel the fear, perhaps even crumble from time to time, but not be defined by it.  I choose to stretch and evolve and expand into what and who I am capable of being. And I choose to believe that even when it’s my time to leave this beautiful planet, my story doesn’t end.

I choose to trust.

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