my truth…
I had a coach tell me a few years back NEVER EVER to mix politics with my business. I remember her saying that my political opinions would only turn off potential clients, and that there’s no place for it in the work I do.
But there are times when us wild women must break the rules. And today is one of those times. Because one promise I have always made to myself is that I would only write the stuff that holds meaning for me. And because I believe, contrary to many out there, that success comes not from acting as someone who others want you to be, but by daring to live deeply grounded within your own truth, even if it shakes things up. Even if it means losing clients.
As many know, today is a sad day in North Carolina… an amendment to our constitution passed yesterday that not only makes it virtually impossible for a family like mine to be legally recognized, but also takes away legal protection for single women with abusive partners and takes health insurance and other benefits away from children whose parents’ relationship isn’t legally recognized. This is heartbreaking for so many. Not necessarily surprising… but heartbreaking nonetheless.
I’ve had well-intended folks tell me not to take it personally…. and I get that. I really do. I mean, you all know that I’m all for choosing to respond to one’s circumstances in productive and creative ways, and staying positive… la dee da dee da.
But here’s the thing.
I do take it personally that my relationship, my family, my love– is up for a public vote. Whose business is it anyway?
I do take it personally when I have to explain to doctors, teachers, and even my own kids that my partner and I are not (and can’t be) legal parents for both of our children. Having given birth to Zoe, she is legally my daughter. Having adopted Noah, he is legally Deena’s son. There’s no way, as it stands, to create a bridge between our two legally separate families– unless we leave our very precious life here in North Carolina behind and move to a state that recognizes co-parent adoption or gay marriage. Yes, we have wills and powers of attorneys and guardianship papers, but they only go so far. Try to explain this to a very sensitive eight-year old little boy.
I do take it personally when it feels like I constantly have to try and convince others that while our family may look a little different on the outside, we are really just like them on the inside. Every morning I pack my kids’ lunches and send them off to school. We eat waffles and scrambled eggs for breakfast. We take hikes and mow the lawn and clean the house on the weekends. We all snuggle on the couch under a big cozy blanket and read books out loud, we take the dog for walks around the lake, we deposit paychecks into our bank account, we worry about our kids when they cross the street and how we’ll pay for their college tuition. And I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything. There’s nothing here that needs to be fixed or normalized, redeemed or forgiven.
I do take it personally when I have to speculate whether or not my kids’ newer friends and their parents know that Zoe and Noah have two mommies, and wonder if I need to make it clear before inviting someone over for a playdate or if that’s why only two people rsvped for a birthday party. I do take it personally when it’s obvious that someone is trying to “figure out” our family when we’re simply trying to enjoy one another’s company while eating lunch out, or we’re given looks of disdain and disapproval from strangers who know absolutely nothing about us but seem to automatically assume that our children need to be rescued from us, their own parents.
And so today, I’m grieving. This is my truth. And while yes, I have no doubt that love will eventually prevail, it’s as though someone has slapped me in the face, or even worse, slapped my children in the face. I’m outraged. I’m heartsick. I want to run away. I want to scoop up my family and hide out.
The wild in me knows that allowing myself to feel this is an important part of building up the courage and tenacity and fire to keep up the fight… to feel the utmost pride and celebration around this wacky tribe that Deena and I have built from fourteen years of profound love… to soak in all of the tender support and encouragement from amazing friends and family… to hang on to the hope that this is only one teeny tiny part of a long journey… and ultimately, to pass every single bit of that along to my precious Zoe and Noah.
And so that’s why I’m writing this, I suppose. To give my truth a voice, and to refuse to apologize if it happens to rub someone the wrong way. To honor the possibilities engraved within it, even when it feels frighteningly close to devastating.
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40 Comments »
AMEN! Couldn’t have said it better. You are amazing and please know one day we will win!
Love, Mom
That this issue is still an “issue” disgusts me. We are talking about two consenting adults forming a union. We are talking about two loving parents providing a safe, stable home for children. I simply cannot agree with the Republican party’s stand on this. As far as people trying to figure you out, it happens to me, too, with my large family. And if you feel like you should “explain” to your kids’ friends, I wouldn’t. They don’t need bigots for friends. So odd that the “Christians” get to pick and choose which parts of their bible to follow when they claim it’s all correct. So sorry this is still happening……but not surprised.
You have a beautiful family. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling pain today.
May the laughter of your loving family dry your tears and return a smile to your face.
JD
So many, many hugs to you and all families fighting for equality. I was so angry a few days ago, driving up into the mountains and seeing the support signs. I’m still angry, but really, really sad too. I’m sad that people can’t see that love is what matters, not the skin or form it comes in. Please keep fighting…there are many standing with you and trying to be voices of reason in their own towns and cities. I’m glad you posted this because I tend to avoid politics in regards to business….other than glbt equality. I am willing to lose clients over that one. I am just not the right studio if they want to hate….they can just move on.
I couldn’t be more grateful to have a mom like you…. xoxo
Oh Lisa – Thank you for living and speaking your truth (and political opinions)!! And thank you for writing this piece. I was so sad last night when I checked the status before I went to bed and as you said it was “not necessarily surprising but heartbreaking nonetheless.”
Please keep shaking things up and speaking from your truth, I beg of you.
Since, as you said, “(you) believe, contrary to many out there, that success comes not from acting as someone who others want you to be, but by daring to live deeply grounded within your own truth, even if it shakes things up” you have inspired so many to live their truths and shake things up. I know the Wild Women would agree.
This is how we’ll get things done and that’s how one day we’ll all live with love for each other – by living and acting by our truths.
I am so happy that I know you because you are one fabulous wild woman and getting to spend time with your precious family made my trip to NC even better. Expressing your voice is so much more important than stifling your truth and I am glad that you didn’t follow the voice of silence. Perhaps if more people spoke out and let the common person know that normalcy comes in all packages, fewer people would feel the need to control what happens in others lives. Keep your voice true Lisa. It is what makes your writing special and important.
I don’t know you but I totally wish I did. It’s absurd that any of this is still an issue and I wish you all the best.
I’m glad you speak your truth. Don’t ever hide anything you believe. The right people will find you and support you. The others aren’t worth it.
Hold your head up high, and hold on to love.
thank you John…. your words were like healing salve!
Much gratitude, Colleen…. I love hearing the fire in your words.
Many sweet thanks, Ren… I look forward to meeting you one of these days, as in many ways, I feel as though I know you, through Christine and Gail and Patti! Soon!
You, sweet Jennifer, are wonderful!
Thank you!!!
Thank you, Sharon…. such huge words of encouragement here, and I’m savoring them! I just adore you!
Thank you Kristin… now you know me… atleast a little!
Thank you Lana… I will keep on giving my truth a voice!
Beautifully written, Lisa. You make me realize all that I take for granted as a married hetersexual mother. If this battle over Amendment One has done anything positive, it has brought the issue to the forefront, allowing people to be involved and at the very least supportive. Bonus news today is that our President has declared what we knew was in his heart all along! You stay strong, girl, for the sake of your wonderful family if nothing else!
Keep living your life with lots of love and joy. Keep up the fight but don’t let it affect this moment.
Lisa, I’m so sorry about the pain you and your family are experiencing after this political act. I’m glad you were brave enough to speak your truth. Maybe if enough people do, others will eventually realize that people are just people, and love is always good.
Thank you for sharing the pictures of your beautiful family.
Lisa, I know you only through your lovely and courageous mother, whom I met at Taos in 2010. She is so proud of you, and I know you cherish her support. Working at the polls yesterday in really rural North Carolina, I was deeply saddened to hear the comments of the church-based voters coming in, high-fiving each other in their joy of voting to deprive others of their own self-righteous privilege to be married. Juxtaposed with that image is my memory of all the couples I saw in court when I was a mediator who were there because their “marriage” had turned to domestic violence. I wonder how they voted? As a phone-banker for the Democratic Party, I can also tell you that most people do not begin to understand the ramifications of the amendment to our constitution. So stay strong after you work through your natural grief and pain. Many support you, and we will stand with you to fight another day for the rights of all our families.
Thank you for a beautiful post.
Beautiful truth, Beautiful family. Beautiful life.History teaches us that as a country we have always moved towards love and equality slowly but surely. We will absolutely get there, yet today my heart breaks.
Oh, Lis. It is so horribly sad to see the dank side of our species’ behavior. I’m sickened for your beautiful family, and for all families treated unjustly, and in the end for all of us, because that intolerance affects us all. That virus of hate that I keep imagining will be stamped out one day. But of course, only love can go up against it. I’m just not typically strong enough to be able to love those that hate so deeply. I guess right now I am pretty far down that rabbit hole, too…
Know you are not alone. It will come. When Vermont (yay Vermont!) first offered civil unions, it was a little scandalous, and no one even thought marriage was possible for ages… but I know it will come, and though it should unequivocally be right now, we’ll all keep working for a time — soon — when it will be obvious and long since set right. Our kids and yours will never stand for this. xoxoLisa
it could not be said better than you said it. My heart hurts for you and your family, you deserve so much better from all of us. Jesus said it so simply, Love one another as I have loved you. We have added all the other garbage to it and hurt zillions in doing so.
Lisa,
Loved this post so much for its raw honesty and passion, so much respect for that.
So sorry this is even a topic though – we just all have to keep changing the world bit by bit.
Love xo
I want to write something more in response to your blog. Meanwhile, just know that I think you wrote a painfully honest, beautiful and courageous piece of writing. It was “the right thing.” Bravo. I believe this was a hasty, ill-conceived and flawed piece of legislation, bought by the frightened, ignorant, and self-righteous religious right, and in the end it will not stand up to the reaction of thinking people. EVERYTHING depends on what we all do now. And “we” is what used to be called the great “silent majority” of thinking voters in a working democracy. A lot depends on the next election. I believe North Carolina’s action, and the laws of the rest of the other Southern States, including dear old Virginia, will be inevitably be reversed in the coming years, especially with voices like yours pointing the way to common sense and decency. Thank you, and your whole family for being heard, and for being who you are. I applaud, and I am exceedingly proud of you and your position.
Much much love, and to Deena, Zoe and Noah,
xxx ooo
Dad
Thank you Amy…. you have been in such consistent support of our family, we are all sooo very grateful.
Much gratitude, Lorrie…. yes…. we all win when we live our days with love and joy.
Thank you Linda! You are such a sweetie! Much love to you!
ah yes, Gail… too many out there simply do not fully understand this amendment, and the detrimental effects it might have on ALL of us, really. I can’t imagine that feeling while working the polls…. that takes moxie to be there and witness that and keep quiet! When I went to vote, there was a woman there wearing a pin that said “vote for amendment 1″, and she requested a republican ballot, just as we were finishing up. We were there as a family, with the kiddos, and oooo, I wanted to say something, but just smiled at her… and she gave us such a peculiar look– secretly I hoped that maybe seeing us as a family perhaps had a positive impact on her… perhaps not on her vote, but in moving forward from here. Thank you for your kind words of support, and I’m so happy to be connected with you, as my mom adores you!
thank YOU Annette, for stopping by and sharing your support!
Yes, Desiree, I do agree that we’ll get there…. just not soon enough…
I’m not a very patient person, that I’ll admit. But my love and hope will carry me through. Thank you for being there… I so enjoy your presence, even though we still haven’t managed to grab that cup o’ tea together!
thank you, thank you, thank you Lisa…. you are such a wonderful friend.
Much gratitude to you, Linda… your compassion means the world to me.
Thanks, Kerry…. for appreciating my words, and popping in to show your support. It really touches me deeply.
Thank you so much Dad…. your words mean so much to me. I’m so lucky to have such incredible parents who get it. There are those out there who aren’t so blessed. You support me and my family in so many ways…. I’m forever grateful. xoxo
A Facebook friend in New Mexico posted your powerful piece, and I have reposted it so that my friends in California (which is where I am) and all over the US can learn from you. Although I live in California, which most people think of as the most “liberal” state, we, too have had our terrible moments of disappointment over this issue (in the form of the infamous Proposition 8, which is now in the courts and will probably make it to the Supreme Court). Fortunately, in CA, blatant discrimination is rare, except for young gay or perceived gay kids in school. In California, activists are finding that when people hear stories like yours–stories about –this real people and their relationships and children–it is harder for them to oppose us. I hope your blog goes viral!
Well said, Lisa. My 19 year old son keeps reminding me that social change is almost always really generational change, and counsels patience, but—- ignorance is so hard to abide. Hugs to you and your family–
Hi there Anne…. so wonderful to make your acquaintance! Thank you for your kind words…. and for passing on my blog to others. I wrote it while in a pit of sadness and frustration…. and had no idea it would touch folks the way it has. I’m still soaking in the impact… but know that the more my story and others like it are shared, the more understanding, compassion, and hope can be born into this world…
Yes, yes, dear Lynn…. and patience is not my forte, that’s for sure! As I’m sure you know, being a mom makes everything feel a lot more urgent. But I will tell you, the support that you and others have given to me and my family makes it a whole lot easier. Thank you, thank you, thank you.