let the love settle in…

“Your fear of losing it all is the barbell you lift to be strong enough to create what’s next.”  Those are words that my brilliant friend, Jennifer Louden, wrote yesterday in a post about letting go.  They stopped me in my tracks.  Really.  Like a deer in headlights.  That simple statement hit me right at my core, gave me goosebumps, and provided a HUGE insight that I think on some level(s) I’ve been avoiding.

Ever since I became a Mama going on twelve years ago, life has seemed so much more fragile.  They say that the dream of having children is often replaced by a few years of survival mode before the deep love settles in…  like, if I can just keep everyone alive and kicking, then that must mean I’m somewhat successful at this parenthood thing.  The wild, spontaneous parts of ourselves often give way to the responsible, make-sure-the-carseat-is-properly-installed, paranoid control freak.

What’s funny is that it’s not just the children us mothers tend to be over-protective of… it’s also our visions.  Whatever they are.  A business, a book, a painting, a relationship, an idea. When we dare to give birth to them, we often do everything we can to keep them afloat….  before the love settles in.

Yup.  That’s me in nutshell.  Jennifer’s words said to me, as if she were looking me straight in the eye with that kind smile of hers, it’s okay to lesson your grip on the reigns just a smidge, dear.

I suddenly became acutely aware that the fear of losing what I love keeps me from being fully present or appreciative of it.  Like the investment of love is a huge risk that will abruptly end in some fiery car crash or cancer or a struggling economy.  And yes, the fact remains that terrible, unexpected things happen, and everything’s temporary.  Eventually we’re all going to die, maybe in another fifty years, maybe tomorrow.  So how exactly do we sit with this reality- whether it’s the impending possibility of failure or disappointment or death itself- and yet, keep our hearts wide open, naked, exposed?

Yesterday, I posted a powerful little film on my blog that asked us to look at today as a gift… as if it were both the first day and the very last day of our existence.  I tear up EVERY TIME I watch it.  

We are so blessed with this moment in time.  

But when our hands grasp onto whatever we can for dear life, we miss so much.  We miss the gallop of life beneath us, an undeniable rhythm that pulses with possibility.  We miss the opportunity to stretch our arms up toward the sky, chest and heart open, feeling the wind against our faces.  

Today I will let go.  Even if it’s just a smidge.  

I will stop pretending to be weak.  I will go dance with my friends, without giving a hoot or a holler about what anyone thinks of my quirky moves.  I will love on my children until I drive them absolutely looney.  I will fully honor my visions, and allow them to express themselves in their own good time- and enjoy the ride in the meantime.  I will say no to what doesn’t make my heart skip a beat, and a big giant YES to what feels right deep down in my bones.   

I will let the fear of losing it all be the fuel for letting go and making room for what I know I am capable of.  I will let the fear of losing it all dare me to show up in my life with oomph.  I will let the fear of losing it all invite me to love more openly, speak truthfully from my heart at the risk of sounding sappy, and sizzle with gratitude.  

Today…   I let the love settle in.   

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